In Retrospect, That Probably Wasn't A Wise Move On My Part.

(Author's Note: I've had difficulty sleeping of late, which means I bore you people. My apologies in advance.)

I live in a particularly rural part of The Hinterland. In order to get mail, I could rely on rural delivery, which service is fine, of course. The downside is, if I needed to pick something up from the post office, a package or what-not, I would be required to drive 15 miles, which would be a pain. Plus, I live on a two lane state highway with no shoulders. This means, that I'd be replacing mail-boxes right and left, flung about by the acts careless drivers or malicious farm boys in the beds of pick-ups sporting baseball bats.

Life's too short. Thus, I get my mail at a local post office substation. This has the benefit of allowing me to chit-chat with some of my clients occasionally and contribute to the local gossip in the form of delivered feminine apparel catalogs in the EMBLOS' name from Morty's of Hoboken.

Ahem.

So I show up yesterday to snag my mail and what do I see but a letter from a large governmental agency responsible for making sure that the politicians in Washington, D.C. have something to do, i.e. spend my money.

Normally, I would approach such an envelope with trepidation. This reaction on my part is based on the time some years back, when I received two missives from said agency, both dated the same day. One contained a check in certain sum and a letter telling me that, according to their records, said agency had too much of my money and was, therefore, returning it to me.

Lovely, except as a matter of principle, I never allow that to happen, simply because the government most definitely does not offer a good savings plan.

The second contained a letter which informed me that, and I'm really not kidding here, said agency did not have enough of my money and providing me with a specific amount of the claimed deficiency.

I know you, dear readers, will find it interesting to note, that the amounts in both letters, and included on the check, payable to me, were the same to the penny.

That is, they were the same except for the penalties and interest I was assessed.

It only took me five certified letters followed by a personal appearance before a live human to get an admission, "Oops, our bad."

Anyhoo, back to the current correspondence.

I was relieved to see that big letters on the outside informed me that the enclosure referred to my "Economic Stimulus of 2008." American readers will recall, that our congressional worthies determined to return some of our own money to us, for which, they expected accolades and ticker-tape parades.

Sort of like the pickpocket who mails your wallet back to you with a sawbuck in it, but keeps your I.D. and credit cards.

The letter didn't have any, like, actual money or anything in it, just information. But at least, the information was good news. My stimulus was to be five figures, albeit just barely.

I raised my be-suited arms to the sky triumphant!

I wept with joy so profound, I forgot the Morty's catalog lying on the counter in front of God and, more importantly, "Mr. Schmitt," the 80 year old German dairy farmer who was there to pay his water bill.

Fortunately, he had his medication with him.

(Aside: I do recall, however, that Morty's appears to be having a holiday sale. I ask you. What better way to celebrate the Fourth of July, than by remembering the contributions of our glorious European allies to our independence from Great Britain, than with the purchase of one of these, in the EMBLOS' size, of course?

Aside Within An Aside: Interestingly, the Battle of The Chesapeake led to two of the immutable rules of warfare: First, the Royal Navy should never play the junior varsity, and second, the French win when the Americans are in command.

Now, where was I? Oh, right.)

Oops, wait a second. Looks like I made a small error. Make that three figures, just barely. Heh, heh. Silly me. I'd forgotten my reading glasses and hadn't noticed the decimal point.

Oh well, at least I can fill up both the cars with gas, when I, you know, actually get my money back, some two months hence, I was told.

Of course, later I thought, "Perhaps, I should try to spend this money on something other than petrol, in order to do my patriotic part to help the economy."

Thus, did I repair to the repository of ideas which is the internet, assisted with the worthy algorithms which constitute the Delphic oracle of "Google," to pose the following query:

"How much personal stimulation can I get for a C-note?"

Whoa.

[Insert title to this entry here.]

From a purely intellectual perspective, however, I did learn of certain, shall we say, recreational opportunities, of which I was heretofore unaware.

Nonetheless, I think I'll stick with filling up the cars. Maybe, I'll have enough left over for a donut and a (small) coffee.

Cheers.

R. Sherman